Toddler Bites: Food Tantrums Are Manipulation
Posted on February 13, 2008
Will loves cheese. And berries. And grapes. And pasta. And beef. And chicken. And eggs. And just about everything you can imagine, except for green beans. He could do without those. He’s also not too fond of sausage, but he’ll tolerate it.
He’s the kid willing to try anything - even if only for a bite. A few nights ago, he ate spinach lasagna and a spinach salad with great glee. There was no complaint over the green stuff in it, no demand for something else. He just ate what he was served. Meanwhile, our friend’s daughter ate the pizza that her parents brought for her. The pizza that they stopped at a restaurant for and brought to my house when I was making a perfect good (and nutritious) meal that I knew my toddler would gobble right up. Will gave her a funny, “it’s just pizza, what’s the big deal?” look.
So, that leads me to a little rant. Seriously, parents. Don’t tell me that your toddler won’t eat anything except macaroni and cheese or pizza or whatever. If you set your expectations right, then they’ll eat whatever you serve them. Me? I expect Will to eat whatever I serve. Whether it’s fish, meat, vegetable or anything in between, Will tries it. Sure, he isn’t always fond of everything, but he tries it.
And yes, I get that sometimes kids will fill up on one food group to meet a need of their body. But, wanting to eat blueberries by the bucketful or enough carbs to make Atkins roll over is one thing. Eating only bad so-called kid food is another. Someday, your children will wonder why they didn’t have more variety as a kid.
Toddlers would eat more than their limited favorites if parents didn’t give in to food tantrums. It’s pretty simple really: a child learns at a young age how to manipulate the situation in their favor. So, if you give in and let them eat what they are demanding or what you know they won’t put up a fight over, you are showing them that they can have that whenever they throw a tantrum or whatever bad behavior started it in the first place. I know that no one wants their child to throw a tantrum at a friend’s house, but it is far more offensive to bring your own food.
Allergies aside, kids are adventurous by nature. If they see you eating something, chances are they will give it a try too. I say allergies aside, because that is the only exception: if you have a child with allergies, by all means take foods that are safe for them with you to friends houses or restaurants. But if you have the run of the mill healthy child, it’s rude to do those things. You might as well say, “Your food stinks and I won’t allow my child to eat it,” because that is the only thing missing from the action.
Is Will an exceptional case? I don’t think so. He puts up a fight over dinner on occasion. But in the end, he always eats what I serve. And the more that I assert that, the fewer food tantrums we have.
Here’s another news flash: if you stand your ground and don’t give in, your child will not starve. Sure, they might go to bed a little hungry one night, but they will make up for that the next day.
So parents, just stand your ground.
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7 Responses to “Toddler Bites: Food Tantrums Are Manipulation”
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This is not particularly related to your post - but my GOSH he has grown so much in the past few months!!
Isn’t it crazy? He’s turned from a baby to a little boy in no time flat.
I couldn’t agree more! My husband is a very picky eater and it all stems from his childhood. And I don’t care how stubborn a child is, they won’t go hungry in the long run!
Hear, hear!
I wish I could get my daughter to eat like this. She is 2 and a half. She never enjoyed foods. So we used to feed her with her favourite cartoon on the telly. But the dietician said to stop the telly, eat at the table etc. So for a few weeks I’ve been trying. She is good at coming and sitting down at the table but she won’t eat a thing except crisps. I allow her one bag and she goes to the kitchen to get another one while her food is waiting on the table. She won’t take any. She doesn’t even like fruit bites. When I refuse the 2nd bag of crisps she starts tantrums. She is allergic to wheat soya dairies nuts eggs oat and rye so she drinks a special milk that is especially rich in all the nutrients she needs, so she grows ok but she won’t eat since we stopped the telly. Even with the telly on she wouldn’t eat that much and never wanted to try fruit bits or fresh vegs, she would always push them away. The dietician told me to persevere and to avoid offering something else if she refuses what I give her. But it is extremely hard, she throws tantrums about 10 times a day now. Mostly because of food. I also tried praising her giving her a shiny sticker when she (twice in a month) ate. I just don’t know what to do. I agree with your view that children use tantrums to manipulate us but I have been resistant for a few weeks now and don’t see much improvement, just more tantrums. I am starting to feel guilty and to feel like giving in to her and letting her having whatever she wants to eat.
Celine, sorry to hear about your difficulties! I think your dietitian has given you good advice though - don’t give in. In the past, I made the mistake of letting Will eat in front of the television and he wouldn’t eat nearly as much as at the table.
We did have a problem with Will eating at the table nicely for a bit - he would usually eat some, but there would be a lot of tantrums. Part of the issue for us was that his daycare wasn’t letting him use flatware (which isn’t an option here as far as I am concerned). It took probably a month for him to break out of it and get back to eating like normal. It took a lot of mealtime time outs though and a lot of patience.
One thing I would do, if I were you, is put an end to the crisps before dinner — I would use them as a treat for eating well or behaving or no tantrums or whatever. Also, try making meals fun - sometimes just being able to dip foods will make it more appealing for kids so you could try homemade chicken fingers with a cheese sauce or “trees” in ranch (trees being broccoli).
Just my two cents. Best of luck. Keep trying - you are doing the right thing for her.
I had to comment on this post as my eldest is a picky eater and I have been the parent who has brought food to a person’s house. I understand that this can be viewed as offensive, however when you are raising a child who simply will not eat anything (not even cookies or fatty foods you would think normal children would eat), you end up resorting to getting anything into their belly. If the doctor is telling my my child needs to gain weight, and that means I have to offend someone to be sure he eats something, I will just have to do that. I know their is a certain degree of manipulation at play, but I believe in terms of my own children (one who is a 10 month old , who will eat everything I give him and my 3 yr old who eats minimally), I realize some children are just different. I have tried the approach of forcing a child to eat- but that never worked with my eldest, and only led to many nights where he went to bed with nothing in his belly. I’m sorry if it sounds like I am defending this - but you REALLY do have to be in my shoes to understand what its like to have a child that doesnt eat. He never even picked up things and put it in his mouth as a baby! My second one is more normal - he does this - even eats the foods he doesnt like when he is hungry.
By the way, I had to have the TV on to get something in my son’s belly - that was the only way he would open his mouth (this was all up to about 2 1/2) Now that he is 3 1/2 I no longer need to do this as much as it seems his hunger has developed and he eats much more. I am not a parents that throws cookies in his face to get him to eat either, btw. I am sure to offer something - and if that mean macaroni, or hamburgers, or spagetti - so be it. Lucky for me, the only thing I never had a problem getting him to eat is veggies.